STILL Apologizing? - Empathy vs. Sympathy

My blog entitled "Stop Apologizing!  It's not making anyone feel better!" certainly got you all talking.  In fact, it has gotten over one thousand views since I posted it, which amazes and humbles me.  Thank you all for reading it and for the lively commentary you have engaged in on the topic.

I have read every comment and noticed a trend that I can't help but address; many of you mentioned the need for 'Empathy' and that it is best expressed through a 'sincere apology'.  

That got the frustrated English professor that hides in the back of my brain thinking, what, exactly, is the difference between 'Empathy' and 'Sympathy'?

First stop - the ginormous dictionary given to me by my father many, many, many years ago when I was a wee child.  I dragged it down, dusted it off and looked up the definition for each word.

EMPATHY - the mental identification of the ego with the character and experiences of another person.

SYMPATHY - a feeling of compassion; pity; commiseration; to share the sentiments or ideas of another.

Excellent info from Mr. Webster and his progeny, but the distinction betwixt the two still seemed a bit murky so I did the next best thing and posed the question to the most knowledgeable, diverse and responsive audience possible... I posted it as my Status on Facebook. 

Got a few responses (thanks, FB friends) but still couldn't distill it into a clear, succinct sentence or two.

Finally, my sister, who is a very wise woman with a real gift for expressing thoughts clearly came up with this;

"With empathy you can understand what a person is going through because you've gone through something similar.  With sympathy you just feel badly for someone."

BINGO!  That's it, little sister.

We are right when, as service professionals, we want to express 'Empathy' and let our customers know that we can UNDERSTAND what they are experiencing because we can relate it to something - an impact.  But we are WRONG when we hope to achieve that objective by APOLOGIZING, because that is offering 'Sympathy'.

When you say "I'm sorry", you are letting someone know that you FEEL compassion, pity, 'Bad for them'.  You are showing that you 'share their sentiments'.  So, if they are unhappy with the product or service your company provided to them, you are agreeing that there is a deficit or problem and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is NOT what we have been hired to do.  Our role is to understand the issues, gather the information needed to rectify the situation and offer a solution that pleases our customer and meets business objectives.

Sympathy = Feeling + Agreement  = Apology 

Empathy = Understanding + Action = Solutions 

Sympathy is great.  As humans we need it, we seek it, we instinctively give it to others.  Hallmark has a huge line of cards devoted to it.  But we aren't sending out cards, we are Customer Service Professionals and our responsibility is to deliver WORLD CLASS Service to all of our customers in EVERY interaction and that means taking it to the next level.  It is no longer acceptable to 'do things the way we were taught' twenty years ago, or follow the rules laid out in an employee manual or customer service book written years ago.  

Bob Dylan (if you don't know who he is, please Google him,  I already get teased around the office because I assumed that the young-un's all knew who Janis Joplin was...) sang that "... the times, they are a'changing" and not only WAS he correct, he still is.  It's time to raise the bar and then raise it again and training and empowering your associates to be able to respond to upset, unhappy, disappointed and downright angry customers with a powerful, meaningful statement that 'Acknowledges the Concern' is the first step.

I am not talking about scripted statements, I am not talking about trying to change the company or individual culture, I am not talking about taking the humanity or personality out of your representatives and their relationships with their callers.  I am talking about providing them with training that is designed specifically, incorporating Adult Learning Principles, using our Group Discovery Process (TM) and customized for each client to insure maximum retention and minimal resistance and that comes with follow-up coaching to guarantee that your coaches are driving the right behaviors.

I haven't been 'sale-sy' here because I HATE blogs that only want you to buy something, and I have been giving you all a lot of great info gratis, but I can't give away the company store.  What I CAN do make a special offer - 

Join our webinar, Effectively Empathizing and Gaining Control (Course 130), and find out exactly how to deliver effective empathy statements that will get your customers to really feel that they have been heard and you understand the impact the issues have had on them, resulting in them immediately calming down and letting you deal with them easily.  On top of that, in this webinar, you will learn the secret to diffusing irate customers and the key to gaining control of your interactions.  After attending this webinar, you will be able to:

-Take control of the interaction in the first 20 seconds of the interaction

-Diffuse even the most irate customer

-Effectively respond to a complaint using a proven empathy statement that is NOT scripted

-Build confidence in the customer's belief that you can help them

Sign up your front-line, supervisors, managers and coaches today!  Turn it around...and have the customer calm down and be easy to work with to resolve the issue! 

***Special Pricing for fans of Customer Service Tails****

Enter Promo Code - CORGI and save $50!!!  per participant 

Go to http://www.radclyffepartners.com/REGISTER-ONLINE-WEBSHOPS.html to select a date, register and pay using PayPal with your company credit.  It's as easy as that.  Feel free to call for more information at 973-291-8947.

Corgi Tails; When is the Customer NOT a Customer?

It's time for another edition of Corgi tails, which is the 'Blog within my Blog' where I take a few moments to rant, vent and unburden myself on a topic that irks me and probably many of you, too.  Let me know where you stand on this subject...

Recently, a series of events in my personal life left me pondering the definition of a Customer.  Not to get all philosophical on you, but have you ever stopped to really consider who the 'Customer' is?

I'm not talking about the eternal debate between Customer and Consumer.  Far wiser heads than mine have studied, debated and written extensively on that topic.  If you're interested, just Google 'Customer vs. Consumer' and pages of stuff will unfurl before your very eyes.  You can devote years to the study, in fact, I'll bet that someone, somewhere is attempting to get a degree on the subject. 

Well, I say 'good luck, and what a waste of money' to that person.

No, I'm talking about who the customer IS in a given situation.  IS there always a customer?

For most of us, the answer is crystal clear.  It's the person on the other end of the phone.  Clear... like, Waterford clear.  Someone dials a number, reaches us and we provide them the service of our knowledge, experience and expertise.  We answer questions, take orders, fix problems, make small talk (as appropriate); we are the 'service', they are the 'customer'... put 'em together and what have you got?  Yeah... you know.

Now, for those of us who ride the wide open prairie of face-to-face interactions, it's still pretty much the same.  Someone walks in, walks up, walks over (or drives, rides, skates, swims... whatever) and you answer questions, take orders, fix problems... see above.  The big difference is that there are probably other people lurking around while you are doing the service thing.  Lines form, kids may be running around underfoot, friends tag along and sometimes, and I hate this, the customer is being unspeakably rude and talking on their cellphone during the interaction.

In either case, it's almost always a one-on-one relationship (except for service providers in the wedding industry, God Bless them), so it's pretty easy to recognize the customer and gain and retain control of the interaction.  Especially if you are using Radclyffe Partners Interaction Strategy (TM).

So, when is the customer NOT a customer?

When the customer is not the person asking the questions, explaining the problems or requesting the assistance and when the service provider is not talking TO the customer, rather they are talking ABOUT them.  If you are wondering whether I am speaking in riddles or have been drinking, the answer is 'no'... and 'not until after 5 pm'.

The customer is NOT a customer when he or she is a patient.

For some reason, all the good, practical, meaningful, logical and just plain courteous rules of World Class, or even mediocre, Service seem to be about as welcome within hospitals, medical offices and in-patient care centers as MRSA.  (Oh, and MRSA is the flesh-eating bacteria, in case you haven't had the pleasure of meeting the beast)

I am willing to concede that often it makes sense and is even expedient for the 'doctor-patient relationship' to be kept free of the demands and entanglements that are inherent in the 'service provider-customer relationship'.  While I believe that health care providers must consider themselves partners with their patients in the common goal of wellness, I get it that sometimes that isn't possible.  Sometimes patients just aren't able, or willing, to ask for, understand and act on the complex and often frightening information necessary to be effective 'team mates' in the healing game.


That is where family and friends come in.  Every person must empower someone that they trust to be their advocate, their champion, if you will.  That person, or people, is the one who is able to ask the questions, take the notes, make the requests that need to be done.


And, make no mistake, they need to be treated as customers, with WORLD CLASS Service and, sadly, that just isn't happening consistently.


Recently, a loved one of mine, for whom I am listed as an approved advocate, was hospitalized.  During a visit, I discovered that he was not being given his medication properly, his blood sugar was not being taken, he was being provided with an inappropriate diet and was not being given the nebulizer treatments his doctor ordered.  When I was finally able to speak with one of his health care providers, I outlined all of my concerns and her response, before anything else, was to remind me to wear gloves when in his room.  

Not acknowledging a concern, failure to document important information, providing inaccurate solutions...what happens to a service representative performing at that level?

The House Doctor was in charge of his care and visited my friend early each morning to discuss his case at length.  Great.  Problem is that my friend becomes extremely disorientated when in the hospital and was unable to comprehend or even remember the conversation.  By the time visiting hours allowed me access, he was unable to relay anything the Doc had said and I would spend hours trying to track down someone who could give me the updates.  

Poor communication, failure to insure understanding and being unavailable to answer follow-up questions, you know any customer service reps who get away with that?

Finally, when he was discharged, he was transported to a rehab facility for a week of therapy to regain his strength and endurance.  When I visited him the next day, I asked him where his eyeglasses were, he had no idea.  His discharge paperwork showed that he had glasses, but no one had bothered to take a moment to locate them and insure they were kept with his other personal effects.  

Lack of accountability, follow-thru and attention to detail, how long would that representative keep their job?

My friend is home now and is doing well.  He doesn't remember, or even know about, most of the issues and concerns that were addressed by his advocates around his care and that's fine.  

I have shared, and will continue to, my dissatisfaction and concerns with dozens of people in the community served by the hospital and rehab center.  I will use many of my experiences to illustrate what poor service looks like when I am training and coaching.  I am Blogging about it right now.


My friend has put the episode behind him and will probably never mention most of it to anyone.


I am going to be talking about it for a long time.


When is the Customer NOT a Customer? 

There's ALWAYS a customer... and if you think there isn't one, you're looking in the wrong direction.  

Medicine is as much a business as any other and, increasingly, patients are becoming savvy consumers and are beginning to make choices based on the quality of the TOTAL experience.  Smart Health Care Providers and Hospitals are catching on to this as evidenced by the prevelance of Quality Surveys handed out like Halloween candy.  Problem is, right now, most patients and their advocates aren't bothering to fill them out, and, let's face it, most of the surveys aren't designed to really capture meaningful information (see my blog on the folly of Measuring Meaningless Metrics for more on THAT topic).


But, just you wait, Dr. Strangelove, we're on to you and we are going to start giving you feedback like you won't believe... and you better BELIEVE that we WILL be taking our loved ones and ourselves to the facilities and professionals that are delivering on the promise of WORLD CLASS SERVICE!


So, Physicians... heal thy service!



I'd especially love to hear from those of you who are, have been, or have friends and family in the Healthcare field.  

 - What are the challenges you face in your interactions that prevent you from delivering excellent customer service? 

- What tools and techniques do you have and use that enable you to successfully deliver World Class Service?


- What can we do to assist you in taking your service delivery to the next level?


Finally, before some of you get ready to let me have it - I am not criticizing the care and compassion with which my friend was treated.  Medicine is a demanding field.  It is complex, ever-changing, with tremendous pressures, long hours with little rest, unreasonable expectations and, often, heartbreaking losses.  I have tremendous respect and gratitude for those who have committed their lives to the well-being of others.  However, I am less than pleased with the level of Customer Service being delivered.  I know it is possible for medicine and World Class Service to coexist because I have seen it in my own life.  It is rare, but an entirely realistic goal and I think it needs to become part of the conversation as we strive to provide the best healthcare to all of our citizens.


I am now stepping off of my soap box.  Thanks for letting me rant.